I don’t have many regrets in life. But I do have few of which are most pricking. I wish my dad was alive to hear me say “sorry” to both him and my mom. Even though I was an obedient daughter, I was never there for them during their early retirement days. I was born to older parents by virtue of which I was really young when they retired. And by the time I hit my dreaded teens they were totally reliant on the assumption that I would be just fine. Much to their relief I turned out okay. But the road to my becoming was not as fine as they had hoped for.
Not because it was all my contribution to that state of my existence but a lot of catabolic vibes that consumed all of us. As any regular teenager I had wheels in my feet always wanting to be outside of the house with friends and acquaintances that should never have been prioritized over them. But I did. I cannot imagine how they must’ve felt seeing my empty chair at the dining table or in the family room. How they must’ve tried to reason with whoever asked them why I was absent for so many family events. I regret not being there for them when they most needed.
My dad was a man of deep wisdom and one such was his ability to see right through me. Despite knowing he’d know I’d lie, I did anyway just so I can come home late when I snuck out. I cannot imagine the agony he must’ve have gone through walking all the way to the bus stop when he was suffering from gout in anticipation that I will get down some bus and he can walk me home. Not until I got thrashed by strangers in the dark, I realized a father’s love for his daughter. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand the concerns he had for me sooner! But now the bruises remind me enough.
I had always doubted my mom’s intuition. When I chose the ‘wrong’ people in life, she alerted me many times despite ignoring her for the majority of my teenage years. She wasn’t my best friend until I was 20 something and out of the country. Every word that she had said suddenly started making sense then. And even though I didn’t acknowledge her advices for many years, she stood by me as a rock. There will be none like her to understand the real me. I wish I didn’t discount her thoughts so much. No matter how hard I try now, I can’t seem to make up for it.
Both my parents used to warn me time and again, never to love anyone as hard as I do. Because they knew I’d get hurt from mismatched expectations. Not that I was a spoilt brat being an only child but I had grown up beyond my years considering our family situation. While everyone else my age was enjoying their childhood, adolescence and growing up generally speaking, I was already at the receiving end of misconceptions, abuse and accusations. I regret not listening to them more on how I should have managed perceptions!
I am so sorry Amma, Bapu that I stormed away from conversations, created unnecessary melodrama, for the emotional stress and even though you’ve said I wasn’t as bad, and that I made your proud, I should’ve listened to you more. Thank you for saving me from making bad choices and for teaching to me how to bounce back from utter failures. Thank God that Amma still ‘niggles’ me every day as if I were a 6 year old and you are watching from above. If only I could turn back time, I’d be a better daughter!
QUOTIDIAN BLESSING 