I refuse to die!

I am a coward. And might lose some friends and family during these troubled times. Because I have not stepped out in 75 days or made anyone happy. Everyone seems healthy but I am scared. If it is not for me, it is for them. I seem fine too but you never know. Forget about hugs I don’t even want to see anyone with 6 feet distance.

I am a coward. People are strolling in the open. Everyone seems happy and excited. I haven’t seen the sun in many days. Not that I don’t want to but I am terrified of having another anaphylactic shock. I am one of those rare Indians that has tons of allergies. Actually, allergies for everything. If I don’t catch the Coronavirus, allergies are sure to kill me.

I am a coward. And worry when my husband goes out for groceries or meets a friend even with social distancing. It perhaps is not him. It might be me. My paranoia. There is no coming out of it. We may pretend that we will be normal. But I am sure I can never be. There are so many memories I won’t make this summer.

I am a coward. I watch the news and break into tears while imagining someone’s knees on my neck. And I am not even as strong as those fighting for their lives. It is easier to kill me with a threat than a blow. Looks like a mask or gloves won’t save me.

I am a coward. I will one day, die like the rest. And it perhaps may be sooner than some and later than some. But I want it to come naturally and on its own. There may be many sufferings in store for me. Yet, I refuse to be in the open, because, even if the virus doesn’t kill me, someone twisted in their mind surely will.

Yes, I am a coward and I refuse to die a dishonorable death.